Harry Potter and the 6 Endings of Doom
by Kevin3
Summary: Harry Potter seeks deliverance from the 6 most horrible story endings ever written.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  Which is good, considering the nonsense I write.

I've been asked many things in my life.  Of course, nobody's ever asked me how to end a Harry Potter series.  That's probably a wise decision.  Still, I've compiled a list of 6 classic ways to end your Harry Potter novel which will be sure to impress and delight your readers.  Without further ado, I present…

**_6 Ways to End your Harry Potter Story:_**

**The Unexpected Victory**

"What?" Harry involuntarily asked, looking at disbelief at the headmaster.

Dumbledore looked at him and repeated, "Voldemort has been defeated."

Harry couldn't believe his ears.  Apparently no one else in the Great Hall did, either, and stunned silence settled in for a few brief seconds before the place erupted in thunderous cheering.

When the hall quieted to a reasonable volume, Dumbledore continued, "And it's all due to one extraordinary individual."  At this, Harry couldn't help but sit a little higher in his chair.  "Yes, Ronald Weasley, please stand up."

Harry gaped openly as the red-haired teen stood up to the applause of the entire school.  Dumbledore loudly said, "Ron here defeated Voldemort last night, and we all owe him a debt we can never repay."

"What?" Harry yelled again, only with a different sort of disbelief this time.

Dumbledore looked kindly at him and said, "Ron defeated Voldemort."

"But… But Ron?  How on earth did Ron do it?" Harry stammered.

"What?" Ron asked with a tint of heat.  "Did you think I was just some sort of sidekick?"

"No, but… I mean, you've got nothing on Voldemort!  What'd you do, challenge him to a game of chess?"

"Harry Potter!" remonstrated McGonagall from the staff table.

Harry didn't back down and barked, "This isn't right!  I was supposed to beat Voldemort.  If not me, then at least Dumbledore!  But Ron?!  It's not fair!" Harry stomped his foot down on the floor.

Ron finally burst out, "Ooh, ooh, it's the boy-who-lived.  Poncing around Hogwarts.  You had a lot of help for the basilisk and the triwizard tournament, and you still barely lived through either!  You've had 5 years to kill Voldemort.  10 more if you count the years before Hogwarts.  It's not my fault you just can't get the job done."

---

**The Strange New Power**

Dumbledore looked carefully at Harry's face, weighing his choices.  "I believe the time is now."

"What?" Harry asked, confused.

"I told you four years ago that Voldemort tried to kill you, but I couldn't tell you why," Dumbledore explained, "I believe now is the time to explain.  You see, your family has the Powers of Rodentia."

"Rodentia?" asked Harry, "Is that some country?"

"No, as in rodents," answered Dumbledore.  "You see, you have the ability to transfigure absolutely anything into a hamster."

"WHAT?"

"Whenever you do the special Hamster Dance, singing the terrifying Hamster Song, whatever you're looking at will turn into a hamster.  Simple, no?"

"Ok," Harry said, in shock, "How does the song and dance go?"

Dumbledore led him through a really quick jig (which involved throwing his arms in the air over and over again) and a really quick song (which grated on Harry's nerves after 1.4 seconds)

"You mean, like this?" Harry asked, mimicking Dumbledore.

"Yes," squeaked the headmaster, "but next time don't look at me while you do it."

---

**Untainted Love**

Harry looked at the fallen body of Voldemort, dying on the ground.  He had finally done it.  The world was free of this menace.

"Harry… you did it…" came a voice from behind him.

Harry turned around, and saw the woman he had been thinking about the last several years, who had occupied almost every moment of his thoughts.  "Yes," he murmured.  "But there's something I need to tell you."

"What?" 

"I love you," Harry blurted, finally glad he got the words out.  "Every moment in class when I would look at you, or when I saw you in the Great Hall during meals, my heart would flutter…"

"Er, Harry…"

"Every time where you'd step through the Gryffindor portrait… Every second where I could gaze upon your face… I knew joy…"

"Er… Harry?"

"Just the knowledge that you're within the same stone walls as me sent shivers down my spine…"

"Harry!" the woman finally yelled.  "I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm still your transfiguration professor!"

---

**I Hate Wizards**

There was absolutely nothing.  Scorched black soot filled the landscape, telling all about the climactic battle which took place, leaving all wondering about the awesome power that must have been held.  Yet in the middle of the abandoned war zone was the tattered remains of Voldemort, his snake-like visage mutated horribly and bearing an unmistakable portrayal of infinite pain.  No one felt sympathy, though.  Voldemort was the reason all of this had happened.

There was no trace of Harry, though.

"He's probably dead," McGonagall said sadly.

"No," Ron insisted, "He's not dead!  I can feel it!  He's still alive.  I just know it!"

"What?" asked Hermione.

"I don't know how, but I just know that…"

Ginny quickly cut him off.  "No, she means - isn't that our job?"

"Yeah," added Cho, "The true love of his life has to search for him.  You're disrupting the Cho/Hermione/Ginny union, here."

"I know," Ron said, downcast.  "But when I think of those green eyes, staring deeply into me, or his matted black hair, or the scar running across his powerful forehead…"

"Knock it off, Weasley," scolded McGonagall, "This isn't slash."

Seventy years later, only Ron had faith in Harry's existence.  Yet his belief was rewarded, as he came upon a man ambling up the street, with white matted hair not covering his scar.  "Harry!  Harry Potter!" Ron yelled, overjoyed, and limped over to his long-lost friend.

"Harry?!" Harry cried worriedly, "I'm not Harry!  I don't know what you're talking about."

Ron looked carefully at the man and said, "I'm sure you are!  Why did you leave the wizarding world?!  We all miss you!"

"I hate wizards!" Harry yelled panicked, then added, "I mean… er… wizards don't exist."

"Harry," Ron said quietly, "I need to show you everything you've been missing."

Ron proceeded to take Harry around the underground and Hogwarts, showing him… well, quidditch.  Ron couldn't think of anything else to show, so they basically watched quidditch for several days.  But afterwards, Harry sat down for a long awaited reunion.

"Harry," croaked what looked to be a white-haired Ginny and Hermione.

"Hi," Harry called back hesitantly.

"So, what do you do in the muggle world?" Ron asked.

"Well, I make proclamations, and everyone once in awhile I chant in Latin.  Red robed muggles visit once a week, and we make more proclamations."

"Sounds sweet," Ron said.

"Yeah," Harry replied, "but I really miss the wizarding world.  It's not as bad as I remember.  If I wasn't 90 years old, I might rejoin it."

"Well, we all wish we could've lived our lives differently," Hermione rasped sagely.

"All I can do," Harry remarked, "is choose differently what I do from now on…"

One week later, Ron reads the Daily Prophet and spits out his coffee.  "What?" he called in disbelief, "The Pope waits until now to accept us?"

---

**Death Abounds**

"No!" Harry cried unto the frail form of Dumbledore's dead body.  "Not Dumbledore!"

"Hurts, doesn't it?" a hissing voice asked from behind him.

Harry turned around sobbing to look up into Voldemort's hideous face.  He quickly grew angry and spat, "You will pay for this!"

"Oh, please," Voldemort off-handedly replied, "You can't kill me yet."

"Why not?" Harry growled.

"Because I haven't finished killing people close to you," Voldemort explained.  "You see, I'm trying to evoke as much sadness in anyone reading this, so I'm going to destroy everything that ever meant anything to you.  After Dumbledore will be Hagrid, Ron, and Hermione.  If you fall in love with Ginny or Cho, they'll die too.  I'll probably leave Filch because nobody cares about him anyway.  Frickin squib.  Oh yes, I can't forget about Molly or Arthur, either."

"Er," Harry stammered, "But won't that created an awfully one-dimensional universe for me after I defeat you?"

"No," Voldemort replied, grinning.

"You can't be serious," Harry said, exasperated.  "You mean to tell me that you'll kill all those people, only to have me die as well at the end of the story?"

"Look on the bright side," consoled Voldemort.  "At least there wouldn't be a sequel."

---

**Hostile Takeover**

Harry sat at the table, preening for the author.  He was sure to be the center of yet another awesome Hogwarts adventure.

"Welcome to another year," Dumbledore addressed the students, "And I have a special announcement.  There's a foreign exchange student coming over; her name is Mary-Sue.

Mary-Sue walked in, with long blond hair streaming over her shoulders.  But as she walked down the center aisle, she couldn't help but think…

"NO!" yelled Harry, smacking the author.  "This is my point of view!  You have to relate Mary-Sue through me!  You have to tell the readers what _my_ impression is of her."

Harry watched as Mary-Sue walked in, with long blond hair streaming over her shoulders.  He couldn't help but notice that as she walked down the center aisle, she was probably thinking about how her cat was…

"Wait!" yelled Harry.  "How am I supposed to know what she's thinking?"

Suddenly, several odd figures burst into the great hall and began slapping Harry.

"Ow!" screamed Harry.  "Stop it!  Stupid author!"

Mary-sue sat down at the Gryffindor table, although no one was surprised.  The entire lineage of Mary-Sue's family had been Gryffindor.  Mary-Sue suddenly noticed that the one and only famous Harry Potter sitting next to her.

"Wait, what happened to the odd figures slapping me?  This doesn't make any sense!" Harry complained.

"Hi," Mary-Sue stammered, "You're pretty attractive!  Want to date?"

Harry sat there, realizing slowly that what he was feeling within himself was… love?

"No," Harry replied, "I am not feeling love right now.  I'm tired of these authors writing themselves into a role and forcing me to go out with them!"

Yet as Harry's harsh words escaped his lips, he admitted to himself that he did, in fact, truly love Mary-Sue.

"No, I don't!" Harry stated firmly.

Yet Harry could tell he was lying to himself.

"No, I'm not!"

_But I am.  I wish I could find the words to express my true feelings._

"Stop that!  Nobody believes your 'thought italics'.  Leave me alone!"

Suddenly, a figure burst into the Great Hall, ignoring all the enchantments designed to prevent this type of thing.

"Great, it's Voldemort," Harry sighed.

_I knew this day would come, yet I still feel the fear creeping up my spine._

"Stop that!" Harry yelled.

Voldemort took advantage of Harry's argument with a higher being and quickly yelled, "Avada Kedavra."

Harry slumped to the floor, dead.

"No!" screamed Mary-Sue, who then rounded on Voldemort, casting a terrifying arsenal of spells which surpassed even Dumbledore's ability.  Voldemort somehow managed to escape, and Mary-Sue screamed.  "I will find you, Voldemort!  You killed my one true love, and I will make you pay, even if I have to hunt you through an entire book series dedicated to me!"

---

I'm sorry to disappoint anyone, but I've discontinued the flame awards.  Feel free to send them still, but you'll have to go to the reviews section to read them.  It was getting to be a bit of work simply to compile the flames for each parody.

Another note – Sika-Chan – you're right.  To tell the truth, I'm thinking of taking down the 'Plot Points' parody.  It didn't turn out as well as I had hoped.  However – hopefully this parody breaks the chain.


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